Excuse me while I vent a moment. Why this thought came over me as I was cleaning my kitchen I have not idea, but obviously I have some more more to do on myself. Therefore I will put it out there as plain as day; I was burned by a narcissist.
Narcissists are tricky. They are cunning, clever, intriguing, larger than life. They tell great stories, capture audiences, and expect to be the center of attention. When narcissists feel threatened they need deny/belittle/and ignore the offending stimuli as to bring their narcissism back into an equilibrium.
I got burned by a narcissist once in my life. And boy, does it sting. My husband’s ex-wife is a narcissist. Although this was common knowledge within the family I was unaware of consequences of dealing with a narcissist. Most of my dealings with her were from a distance, and we usually never got along. Coming into my marriage I was young and naive and completely unaware of the synergies and issues between ex-spouses. I was unaware that my husband’s ex-wife would feel threatened by me, simply because of the human need to protect resources for their young. I was oblivious to the “getting rid of the favorite old shirt in the closet” effect (have you ever had donators remorse after cleaning out your closet and sending away clothes for donation? It always seems to happen that the next day we suddenly wish we didn’t give away a particular shirt that, although we haven’t worn for years, we have a deep desire to wear). Yes, I was naive to all the idiosyncrasies that revolve around an individual’s relationship after a marriage (with children) is dissolved. Had I not been so naive I would have most likely been more adamant about not getting involved with a divorced man.
However, five children later, I am happy and fulfilled. I am content and secure. I have learned to ride the storms of a marriage, especially the many squalls that come with the territory of living in a blended family and the consequences of coming in as a second wife. It is difficult enough to deal with a marriage between a man and a woman, but then when you add children from a previous marriage, children from the new marriage, and an ex-spouse and their new family it just has the potential to get really messy. However, this post is about getting burned by a narcissist; I’ll leave the drama of a naive young woman for the next post.
Getting burned by a narcissist hurts. It hurt me deeply, time and time again. I became shaken to the core with anger after the last time I was burned. How could I let my guard down? How come I really believed she needed me at her time of darkness? How come I disregarded my husband’s family’s stern warnings and responded “Jesus tells us to help those who come to us in their time of need”. How come I spent my Mother’s Day cooking for her after her divorce? How come I confided in her, how come I trusted her? How come I got so angry when she started to turn on me after I befriended her and she had no use for me anymore? How come I tried so hard to “set the record straight” after I found out about the plethora of lies she weaved around her (“the victim”) and me and my husband (“the monsters”). How come after all that transpired between us I still wish that we could get along, but then quickly come back to reality.
Is there getting along with a narcissist? Yes, but be prepared to get burned at any moment if you expect a reciprocal caring relationship…
Read more about living with or leaving a narcissist here: http://www.disarmingthenarcissist.com/